When it comes to the art of seduction and forming connections with members of the preferred sex in order to, well, have sex with them, we often say it is about who you are. When two people come together, whether that is because they want to be friends, friends with benefits, fuck buddies or they are just looking to hook up for the night, everyone is looking for that “spark”. The “spark” that we are looking for is seen to be about who we are. As magnesium explodes when put into water, so we think that when we meet someone that does the spark for us it is an uncontrollable, unpredictable and explosive reaction that has everything to do with who they and we are as people. This is commonly accepted wisdom. When we speak to people that have established relationships, which could be both standard relationships but also adult relationships such as a long-term fuck buddy, if asked why they are with the other person they will often say something to the equivalent of “I like them”. I like who they are, how they are or what they are. I am here to challenge this. I put it to you that it is not what you are like, but what you like that matters.
When finding a fuck buddy and hooking up for the first time, you sit and you chat. You may not talk that much, you may not want to talk that much, but some level of communication is usually inevitable. As you talk, you think you are getting to know who the other person is and this is what matters in regards to the connection. You are only partly right. Yes, you are getting to know who they are, but in terms of the connection what matters is not what you are like, but what you like. When you talk, do you have a common background, a shared understanding, a language that you can both use that perhaps other people don’t? When I describe language, I am not necessarily speaking about an actual language like Spanish or French though this can work as well. I mean can you talk about the same things? For example, say you are both into Sci-Fi, you can talk about star trek or star wars – you chare the language of that world… and this is what bonds and brings us together. From there you feel connected and understood, you feel seen, and that is when you sleep with each other.
So yes it matter who you are, but it matters more what you like than what you are like when you are hooking up with someone.