Fear is part of life. We all fear things, and that is no bad things for fear can serve us well. It is the thing that keeps us alive, and stops us from doing something that gets us killed. When we are young it is the fear of being burned that keeps us safe from fire, the fear of the pain from falling that stops us jumping from the top of high things, the fear of getting lost that keeps us near our parents and stops us from, well, getting lost! It is a useful emotion, which is why we have it. However in modern day life when we no longer have survival as our primary problem, fear can get in the way big time. Let’s get straight to it and look at it from a relationship point of view.
Once you have someone, whether a fuck buddy or a long term relationship, there is the possibility of being dumped. This is quite a likely possibility as eventually most relationships end. If you are not that into them, or it is early days, this fear is small because the stakes are small. You really haven’t invested that much into the relationship, you have only had a sex a few times if at all, there is no great loss if it ends. As time goes on, the more you come to like the other person whether for their witty conversation or their tight body, the higher the stakes gets and the less you want to separate. This in turn starts to breed the fear of that loss. If you are breaking up with them that is a different thing, as it is on your terms, but the fear of them ending things with you grows proportionally to the amount that you like them. The problem is this is a self fulfilling prophesy.
The fear of the invisible sword hanging over your head that is ready to sever the ties between you changes how you act. The brain thinks that it is helping you – like the way it stopped you from getting burned or jumping off a cliff... but the opposite is true. You start to be conflict averse, because the argument could lead to a ending... which means you start caving on things that worsen the relationship. You start apologising about things that are not your fault, which leads to false feedback and your partner to continue to make fuck ups You stop making strong decisions in an effort to please her/him – which end in no one being happy. Ultimately you compromise on who you are, which leads to you ceasing to be the person that they fancied to begin with, which dooms the partnership.
Don’t fear the sword of break up, for it will condemn you to its use. Now if I could only fully embrace my own advice on this my life would be so much better! Good luck you crazy cats.